A letter to the one who can never read it...

Hi dad, . . .

Umm, how is it up there?
Pretty sure I have no idea but here, it's just another long crisp and lonely night.

The one that you left her with the word "forever" is turning 19 in less than a week. I'm very sure you're aware of this and I could never imagine how it would feel like if you were here, handed me a cake saying "Daughter, thanks for coming into my life. I am a very blessed father. Happy birthday, love."

But dad, it should have been me. I should have been the one who supposed to say thank you endlessly for giving birth to this soul and loving me unconditionally.
What a regret I cannot tell you in person.

Dad, I did not know the wound is now the scar.
I will tell you about my life and your never-meant-to-leave absence.

My childhood? So far it was fine. . .

There were times I remember mommy was angry so badly and I just ran away but those memories are greatly memorable. Also, mom took me to places and I got to know lots of good people and they also liked me. I could get along with other kids and they never discriminated the fact that I am father-less. But among all the memories, my brain captured the moments when I cried loudly and threw myself on the bed saying out your name... as if you were here.

Then, mommy re-married. I never blame her decision, dad. She is still a woman after all and of course love would heal the pain. We both could understand this much, right? And dad, he is also one of your old high school friends. He is a very generous, great, and warming guy. Since their marriage until now, not a moment he mistreats me as a step daughter. He would be just become proud of my small achievements and the way I lead my life gradually to bring myself to a better person.

But... why am I so hurt this much?

A girl whose childhood was converting into teenage dream was full of excitement but things were falling apart. Mom spent less time with me and I was like a leftover in the family. I did not have my own bed and I would go to sleep with aunt or grandma when a new dad came home. She was not there when I tried so hard to catch mother love and attention. This created a new sense of slow but determined detachment and isolation that should not have been there in the first place. I now and then would just spend time alone and look, it has become my habit now.

I hate the idea of you leaving me when I hadn't seen much of the sunlight and your face. I hate the idea of calling another man father instead of the one sharing the same blood with me. I hate it terribly when I was screaming out your name and you could never run and ask me what's wrong. I hate when people pronounce my name wrongly; it is offensive because you were the one who named me, isn't it?

Dad, I'm sorry for missing you too much, especially during my miserable times.

If ever you feel sorry for leaving me so suddenly, please don't.

I am not so sure when this wound will be healed, or not at all. But I'm always trying my best to appreciate this life given by you.

My best friend the other day asked me to visit you and I was crying so much...
There was this mixed feeling and I could not describe it precisely...

Would it be nice to appear in my dream once in awhile and give me an embrace?

Alright... this should be long enough... I don't want to be trapped in the thought again. You will never read this but strangely, I know you will always look up for me from up there. I am very thankful for being born as your daughter even I could not prove you how my dream can go beyond any infinity and I am very sorry for making your wife upset sometimes and keeping this wound too deep in the sentiments.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter

Seng Chan Serey Pich

P.S. I love you until the end of the time.