Moments in life

"Before our eyes, there have been some moments stored in the hearts already." 

Want it or not, I have captured those times perfectly. They could be very simple like watching the sun slowly go down and replacing with sparkling stars in the sky, listening to the sound of rainfall with serenading feeling, riding along the road with chilly breeze, listening to my favorite songs on the radio, eating my favorite meal with boyfriend, laughing at stupid jokes with best friends, sleeping over for the first time, talking with her until morning about love life, spending times at some favorite cafe and stupidly making joke of her, seeing my best friends in the hallway, walking in the rain, and the list goes on.

Some moments have been very significant that I could call them one of the best times in my life. I could not forget how my mother praise in front of other–just to tell them how much she loves to have me. The moments my best friends came into my life; our encounters have been always interesting and fun. My 18th birthday was probably the best one yet. They have added more incredible moments during my 4 years in university than I could ever ask. Confession from my close friend, which now I call a lover. I could not name them all. They are very precious.

Then, there are sorrow moments that I remember so fine, too. Crying over the fact that I miss my father, seeing best friend fail and cannot do anything about it, arguments with best friends, missing them and suffer emotionally, cutting myself, failing at things again and again, being intimidated, making mom unhappy. Well, those times suck.

What's good about these memories is how they could never fade from me even when those moments already passed. Life goes on–I hold on dear to this phrase. Here comes a time where I find myself so lost because when I look back, I see all the smiles, laughs, hugs, and kisses but when I look into a reality, they are all gone. I have asked myself repeatedly "Where has it gone so wrong?"

I am so hurt sometimes. I wanted to go back in time and fix things before it got worse. But then I realized reality is something I should only face with. With times remaining left, I should make the best of it and those moments, there is and always a special spot for them in my heart.

How can I forget them? How can I?

A soul I wish to know

This post belongs to my dog, which just went very far away from me and I could never see him again.

I keep on writing and erasing words because my mind is so complicated right now… It seems to not rest whenever I thought about the voice mom made "he's dead."

Well… my house has this tradition of having dogs guard the house so we had plenty but none of them stayed for so long because of various reasons.. and I personally never had any strong attachment toward the pets–until yesterday.. yesterday, the truth hit me right in the face… I wish he were alive and I wish to see him once again..

His appearance–he's all black. Literally black.
His height was average. Like any local dog.
He had this habit of sleeping in the hallway even when my motor was approaching him. Seriously.
Mosquitoes usually were all around him because of his black fur.

What makes me stuck the most right now, I wish to know him better. I want to know what was going on in his mind when I was in his sight; what he was thinking when I was touching his fur; what he really wanted to eat; why did he choose to stay with us people even though he knew he could be hurt; what he wanted to say to me when I was around him… "Hey play with me?" "You like me as your dog or not?" "Hey I'm right here… being sick and I think I cannot endure it anymore… Where are you?"... "I'm leaving now…"

I even told myself to get him a pet house once my new house is built;
I told myself to treat him better once we all settled down;
…. and I keenly want to believe that he's alive once again so that I could make it come true.

I guess I took him for granted.

What I want to say right now… Please treat your pets well. They also have souls and they also have hearts. Please don't regret like me right now. They could not speak but they stay more loyal than most people do. So please… please consider them as one of your family members if you bring them home.

I'm very glad if you do.
and please do if you don't right now.

Because this soul of mine is terribly regretful, and I promise myself to never let anyone bring the dogs in again if we cannot hold a strong responsibility toward their well-being.

He is going to be remembered for a long time. I already miss him. Please rest in peace and if heaven is really there, I'm sure that's where you would belong. Do not come to this universe as any object again; it is hard to endure sometimes.

Thanks for being with me for this short while.

A letter to the one who can never read it...

Hi dad, . . .

Umm, how is it up there?
Pretty sure I have no idea but here, it's just another long crisp and lonely night.

The one that you left her with the word "forever" is turning 19 in less than a week. I'm very sure you're aware of this and I could never imagine how it would feel like if you were here, handed me a cake saying "Daughter, thanks for coming into my life. I am a very blessed father. Happy birthday, love."

But dad, it should have been me. I should have been the one who supposed to say thank you endlessly for giving birth to this soul and loving me unconditionally.
What a regret I cannot tell you in person.

Dad, I did not know the wound is now the scar.
I will tell you about my life and your never-meant-to-leave absence.

My childhood? So far it was fine. . .

There were times I remember mommy was angry so badly and I just ran away but those memories are greatly memorable. Also, mom took me to places and I got to know lots of good people and they also liked me. I could get along with other kids and they never discriminated the fact that I am father-less. But among all the memories, my brain captured the moments when I cried loudly and threw myself on the bed saying out your name... as if you were here.

Then, mommy re-married. I never blame her decision, dad. She is still a woman after all and of course love would heal the pain. We both could understand this much, right? And dad, he is also one of your old high school friends. He is a very generous, great, and warming guy. Since their marriage until now, not a moment he mistreats me as a step daughter. He would be just become proud of my small achievements and the way I lead my life gradually to bring myself to a better person.

But... why am I so hurt this much?

A girl whose childhood was converting into teenage dream was full of excitement but things were falling apart. Mom spent less time with me and I was like a leftover in the family. I did not have my own bed and I would go to sleep with aunt or grandma when a new dad came home. She was not there when I tried so hard to catch mother love and attention. This created a new sense of slow but determined detachment and isolation that should not have been there in the first place. I now and then would just spend time alone and look, it has become my habit now.

I hate the idea of you leaving me when I hadn't seen much of the sunlight and your face. I hate the idea of calling another man father instead of the one sharing the same blood with me. I hate it terribly when I was screaming out your name and you could never run and ask me what's wrong. I hate when people pronounce my name wrongly; it is offensive because you were the one who named me, isn't it?

Dad, I'm sorry for missing you too much, especially during my miserable times.

If ever you feel sorry for leaving me so suddenly, please don't.

I am not so sure when this wound will be healed, or not at all. But I'm always trying my best to appreciate this life given by you.

My best friend the other day asked me to visit you and I was crying so much...
There was this mixed feeling and I could not describe it precisely...

Would it be nice to appear in my dream once in awhile and give me an embrace?

Alright... this should be long enough... I don't want to be trapped in the thought again. You will never read this but strangely, I know you will always look up for me from up there. I am very thankful for being born as your daughter even I could not prove you how my dream can go beyond any infinity and I am very sorry for making your wife upset sometimes and keeping this wound too deep in the sentiments.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter

Seng Chan Serey Pich

P.S. I love you until the end of the time.

On one fine rainy night....

I'm wandering and wondering alone. Losing in the darkness of thoughts and failing to expose one particular discussion, I've decided to let go all of things and note them down here.

The rhythm of every sky tear has created a beautiful melody for me, just enough to close my eyes and listen. Being in a good physical state, I've been telling myself what my mind is not following. I've been murmuring, "Hey. Make yourself hale and hearty at heart, too." But no, it is not a convincing sentence. It is not powerful enough to be practical. Because... Because I have just lost a love.

I am trying not to make any further statement sound weak regarding the above issue, considering the fact that I refuse to be a victim in any mental phenomenon. It ended bad, but I know everything is going to be just fine. But... Despite every single view of my smile and well-being, I admit, deep down inside, there is just so much to bear the pain that I have gone through, but I need to come into the sight as a strong person no matter what. And you know what? It sucks. 

Losing love is not a big deal, I know; but losing myself is. I was not me when I was in love; good enough to have this much will for someone; blinded enough to deceive dreams as realities. But that's just that. This truth should convince me to focus on other goals, I suppose. Yes, by other goals, I got a lot. Those ambitions of mine are practical enough to scare me off now and then. So, let alone the love matter, it is sometimes driving me crazy to look ahead and face the real deals.

Lately, I got admitted to be an intern at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and International Cooperation. Being completely aware that it is a bridge for me to reach success in my dream job, I'm smelling challenges. So much in this system-illed country that one article cannot contain, again I refuse to list down Cambodia's bad atmosphere. Well, not that bad, please do not let imagine it with disappointment. And of course, I am going to do my very best in shaping and better myself in the mentioned opportunity place and other workplaces, just in case that I can make it big 'till the day that my existence could complete the nation's hole.

Okay, enough of optimism. Now it comes down to health. I find it hard not to take medicines everyday because my right hand always gets itself prepared to be in irrational pain; yes, by the term irrationality, I have not discovered the cause of my right hand pain yet. Two years have passed already. Though after my last visit to Thailand has given me strength to hang in there with damn goddess medicines that could take away pains, I would be insane if I don't think about the side effects. As what doctor said, it can affect my eyesights, and I can feel the little repercussion by now. I'm scared, but who knows? ... No one. Oh dear, please let me become positive again. Alright, I believe that the next visit of mine could heal all this pain, and I can get my eyes checked up too. YES, I'll be alright!

Let's finish this article with another happy-yet-sad fact. I am going to be a senior very soon and we all have fancy dreams plans to make them realistic. I guess just little more than 365 days more, we are all going to stand together, not with uniforms anymore but rather with caps and gowns. Little do I know, that day will come eventually. With futures in our hands, we must face goodbye. I hate to tell you how I feel, but that day must be so hard for me to accept. Because every second that I have shared with them are so priceless; memories are written in our hearts not in textbooks. Though another chapter awaits, please.. please give me more time to finish this chapter with smile no matter how much tear we have dropped.

Let her... go.

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." -John Green

Alright, let me tell you this.
I am not that okay as I may look.
I need to admit that the pain sometimes hit me on my chest, and I can barely breathe.
Rationale? Because of someone's soon departure.
Emotion? Yeah, you could guess.. For insensitive person like me to get that kind of pain.


I always knew this day would come. The day that we'd all hug each other and say goodbye. I just never thought that it would be this fast. If I had magic, I would make everything pause for awhile and go through the wind with you. Sorry that I cannot afford to do so.


It was one of your remarkable achievements, and I was very happy to hear such a great news. Physically, yes I am always smiling. But hey, I've been dying inside. It was not that I cannot wait to spend time with you again; it's just that I've realized we wasted too much time not to love each other from all of our hearts.


I know it too well. That we are very lucky to be born among the average of the populations, and surrounded by so many good people. On top of that, you even got a scholarship to continue your study. But that's just that. Talking about relationships, we also have a privilege in our thought on whom we choose to love and leave, right?


Your broken heart, your broken soul, your beauty, your weaknesses, your arguments, I've seen and felt them all. So, I know how hard for you to actually start another chapter of life without "us". But I know that you're able to overcome eventually with that smile of yours.


Time is ticking fast; it's breaking my heart just to countdown the days left that I can be with you. But remember, my soul is always with you, no matter where you are.


Harsh and cold times, thanks for everything. You let me know how valuable she is to me. Though she is not going to stay longer, distance cannot break our memories and love.


Just wanna tell you something. That this sibling hood of us is absolutely not a crossing line that we just meet at a certain point and leave each other forever. I reassure; that case will never happen. We're not going to let go of each other's hands just by those few years of departure for individual wisdom and bright future. We're just pursuing our dreams for awhile without enjoying accompanying physically. There will be days that we're going to run and hug each other so hard that we can't breathe. There will be days that we are crying; not because of sadness anymore, but overwhelming feelings that we've been hiding for so long.


Girl, be stronger. I know you're strong but please be stronger. Do not cry often. You're like a panda already, so stop crying. Another thing is... it hits me right in my face for knowing that even when you're crying, there's no one to wipe off your tears. Take care of yourself well; the weather there is not tropical, so make sure you don't fall sick. After all, be healthy physically and mentally!!!


It's just a short journey. We're just saying goodbye for awhile. Reach a success then come back to hug me as you always do. I'll be always here waiting for you.


Hey...





For your information, I love you so much.

More than just the sun...

It is the "Sunset".

Without a doubt, it's my favorite thing to see and feel every single day.

To make more sense, here is the elaboration.

Sunset? 

It's been my favorite for like... Forever. 

Since I was a child, I had always thought that the sun was chasing after and setting for only me... I even wrote sunset as my favorite thing in personal diary when I was around 8 or something. However, my mom crossed it out and replaced by sunrise by stating that things that go down are not good. 

I was also buying that idea. I never really thought about the beauty of sunset even though that warmth of the sun setting embrace and give me the feeling that no such thing could.

It's been not too long ago that I've started to take photos of sunset views... Around 3 years ago, I guess. But because it's just too beautiful not to ignore, it's become my addiction now to watch it setting down and make some shots since memories last.

If you ask me, "why do you prefer sunset than sunrise?"


You see, unlike the sunrise that goes up, becomes hotter as time goes by, and make everything so clear, I prefer sunset. Put it in this way. Sunrise is warm at first; it is even struggling to brighten up my day.
But look, the more it shines, the more it rises. It is way too good for me.

"I like broken things and imperfections. They are much more interesting. So by chance, if the sun is broken down everyday, it is much more beautiful because it proves that an imperfect thing can be loved as the way it is."

Oh well, there's no need to even compare.

AND YES, if you ask me again, "What is the most thing you like about sunset?"

I can tell you without a hesitation.

"I love sunset simply because of one reason. It dies every night for the love it lives for. I guess, it is the moon."

If ever I got a man, he would be my sunset. Soft, warm, alluring, and real.

But not to die for me. No, I don't like that version.

And I would be his moon. Cold at times, but will never leave him to brighten up this world alone.

=]

Tee hee!!!

Crush is fun... as long as you don't fall in love.

This article is written based on another favorite author of mine... I forgot her name... In case of plagiarism, here is the credit, and I am apologizing in advance.

So.... Let's get started.

Everyone must have at least one crush in their lifetime.. that crush can be just a crush, first love, love for the lifetime, or the worst nightmare. LOL.

It all starts with a glance, believe me. First impression is very crucial in building almost everyone's crush thingy feeling. Once you see that person again and again, you begin to have emotional interest and start to have a little happiness within yourself.

Some exceptional cases are being investigated on how people can even get a crush on someone when they just meet for only one time, or even some develop that feeling when all they see the other person is a profile picture and activities on social network.

Anyway!! I will continue my hypothesis here.

Crush??? That feeling is damn good.

After seeing that person repeatedly, no matter it's in the school, or work, you begin to have a habit of seeing that one.

You have that little zoo inside yourself (mention about butterflies is too mainstream) every time you see that person.

You feel hyper... like seriously. You begin searching for that one's basic informations. Seeing how cute he/she is, you tell yourself how glad you are to have him/her as your crush.

Just a glance from the distance can make your day. If you guys' eyes meet, you would go crazy inside. And you would tell this to brag to your close friend, and how you protect him/her from being criticized.

BUT!!!!!!! IT IS JUST A CRUSH, NOT A LOVE.

Crush is someone you adore, but if you cannot make them mine, you still feel fine inside.
But falling in love is a whole different thing.

When you love someone, you cannot go on a day without thinking of them.

That excitement becomes anxiety, and disappointment within yourself.

You do not need to investigate in a fun mode anymore because you have known that person enough already since you have given your all. 

Only a small thing means a lot to you... You will give hope to yourself hopelessly. 

And the worse case is.... THAT PERSON DOES NOT LOVE YOU BACK.

You will lose sleep thinking of that one like an idiot.
People around you have warned you that just take it as a crush, but now it's too late.
Tears are falling down like in drama... So dramatic!
Unlike crush, you would pray that one would love you back.
Tell yourself, "If this love only exists in my dream, don't wake me up."
.
.
.

Love takes lots of more time for a person to move on than a solely crush.

.
.
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But this article is only about one sided-love only. To those who develop from crush into a relationship successfully, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU DID IT!!! ^^

You know why the author tells you not to fall in love?





"Because everything that falls, get broken." -Taylor Swift-