Named as "a parent", but always has been "parents"

June 22nd, 1996

On that day, a baby who was raised with love has lost her father.... and that loss means forever.

...... and that baby is this writer.

I never knew what my father looked like... his height, his face, his warmth, his father love to me... not even in a blurring memories. I just figured out his appearance when my mother let me see his pictures when he was young.

Losing a father is tragic enough for a child like me, but have you ever thought of my mother? She has lost her beloved husband, whom she thought she could rely on him for the rest of her life. 

From that minute onward, she knew she has to be strong, because it was the only choice she had.

So, she has done everything she could. Raising a child alone, improving the business for my better future, going back and forth since dawn till night. I could never bear the hardship like she did.

Of course, I never received father's love, and to be honest, my mother did not give so much love to me too because she had full responsibility for the whole family, and it was very hard for her. But one thing to be sure, she has always been my "parents".

From what I remember from my childhood, she used to bring me to school only the first 3 days. I was so little to know the world that time, but strangely, I got this feeling that I had to be strong and independent. I know I'm always alone after all. 

Emotionally, I sometimes got so lonely because I am the youngest in the family and I also got no one to speak with, but it has become my habit now. What I thought was worse has become a better outcome for me. I was always jealous with those who have siblings and they got to play with each other, but now I'm used to be alone.

Anyway, let's back to my mother. For the last 17 years, she has been raising me so well. Even though she was alone all these times, she proved everyone that a single mother can be better off, too. She is my inspiration, a motivation to push me more and more until I become someone she can rely on someday.

For me, I think I need to develop myself in every aspect to be like my mother, and somehow, I can never make her upset with anything because I am the only creature she cares about the most.

Even though sometimes I want to violate her rules which made for me, just thinking about her devotion to me, and those thoughts just fade away. 

Absolutely, mother-daughter relationship cannot be good every time. We still argue about small things and big things. And the worst of them happened when I was around 14 years old. I was really ruthless and daring. I nearly killed myself one time because of my stupid thought that I never got enough love. I starved myself for 3 days, and eventually, she became soft and consoled me. Thinking back to that time, I just wanted to kill my mentality. I made her so upset many times.

So, right now, I'm just trying my best not to disappoint her with my study and proving her that my dream is not impossible. I just want to make her proud of her only daughter and tell the world that I'm her very own daughter who is good enough to take on her dream.

....... I often have this thought..... That what if my father was alive and he gave me love like other children's fathers do, but I just smile and tell myself that this world just cannot be fair. We gain some, and lose some.. Even my loss is a bit bigger and more cruel since when I was just born, I need to accept the truth, and I don't think he's aways from me because he's always watching me from up there. Especially, my mother is always here for me, and I don't think I need anything else besides her.

Her devotion for me, I just don't deserve it, and I never once think that I can repay her back. I just want to make sure that after I'm stable with my life, she is the one I must take care of for the rest of her life.